The Shack Attack

Greetings! Sorry to have been away for awhile. New-found-fun projects have been on the forefront of my mind in my "spare" time... painting, painting, and some more painting (not to mention finally attacking those drawers that I seem to open, grab, and quickly shut again). Reorganization, redecoration is good for the soul. I gotta strike while the iron's hot, not sure when I'll run out of steam, anyone with me?

My few spare moments of waiting (parent-pick-up lines) has allowed me to grab the book called The Shack. It's all a buzz right now, many commentaries have been written, but alas I've chosen to turn a deaf ear so that I could complete it in an unbiased fashion. In a word - wow! If you ask around, and can become a lending library with a friend, I highly suggest this one as your next read. I can say that I understand where others' "red flags" have been thrown, and keeping in mind it is a fiction book, there were parts that really got me thinkin. I'm going to attempt to talk in generalizations so as not to spoil it for those of you yet to read it, but I do want to throw out a topic discussed just to wet your whistle for today (sorry for all the throw-back phrases, Aaron's always great for a few doosies).

The topic that caught my attention dealt with two words - responsibility and expectation. The author challenges the reader to think of these words as related to free will verses the law. Because God gives us the ability to respond, our response can be free to love and serve in every situation, making each moment different, unique, and wonderful. Because HE is our ability to respond, he has to be present in us. If he simply gave us a responsibility, he would not have to be with us at all. It would now be a task to perform, an obligation to be met, something in which to fail.

The author goes on to use friendship as an example. For instance, if you and I are friends, there is an expectancy that exists within the relationship. An expectancy of being together, laughing, and talking. That expectancy has no concrete definition; it is alive and dynamic, everything emerges from this unique gift shared by one one else. But what happens if I change that 'expectancy' to an 'expectation'? Suddenly, law has entered into the relationship. You are now expected to perform in a way that meets my expectations. Our living friendship rapidly deteriorates into a dead thing with rules and requirements. It is no longer about me and you, but about what friends are supposed to do, or the responsibilities of a good friend. Has this caused any rifts in a relationship of yours?

The author goes on to describe how responsibilities and expectations are the basis of guilt, shame, and judgement and provide the essential framework that promotes performance as the basis for identity and value. The idea behind expectations require that someone does not know the future or outcome and is trying to control behavior to get the desired result. My response... ouch. How simply astounding to be reminded that God does not have an expectation of me, and that I can never disappoint him. He already knows everything about me, I do not have to earn his love. He does have an expectancy for me to respond in this living relationship, AND the degree to which I resort to expectations and responsibilities corresponds to the degree in which I neither know him nor trust Him. WOW... not my intention at all, yet there it is.

What are your thoughts?

Sustain, withstand, endure

I am writing this morning in complete awe. As this past journey in our family's life has unfolded, the sheer fact that life is turbulent, unpredictable, and unstable, simply lay in front of me this morning. We ran past a tree this morning that had been blown over during last weeks' storm - no lie, the base and diameter of this truck and root system was taller than I am.

It got me thinkin... why is it that some trees fell while others didn't? Was it the direction of the wind, the placement of others in proximity of the tree, it's "bendability", or the possible roting damage happening on the inside? Perhaps it had to do with it's root system, it's foundation. Maybe some roots ran wide, yet shallow, while other ran deep allowing access to more stability.

Is this possibly an example of our life in Christ? Some young and little trees were flexible and "open" to allow themselves to "listen" to the wind flow, just as those young in Christ. In contrast, other large, seemly-foundationally-founded trees fell, just as anyone of us could in the midst of sin. In fact it's those of us who may "look" Christ-like on the outside, yet have a rotten core on the inside, or those of us who think we may be steering clear of this sin -thing (pridefully "good") that could get knocked down at any moment (ouch, I know). May I humbly suggest it's the trees that seek out the best way to "go deep" and root themselves in the only one who IS stable, who IS our rock and our foundation.

The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliver; my God is my rock in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation. I call to the LORD, who is worthy of praise, and I am saved from my enemies. Psalm 18:2-3

I praise him today for being my rock in the storm of my life as of lately. As nothing but a pure example of him, he has allowed running in my life as the one constant through all the turbulence. Last Saturday's weather proved to be tremendously humid, hard to breathe in, sweating so profusely that my shirt could be rung out. In contrast, this morning, he allowed this human body to sustain, withstand, and endure through 31/2 hours of aerobic running, totaling 22 miles, AND I feel great. How do you explain it? Humanly, I can't, which leads me to a logical conclusion of only one possibility - HIM! My Jesus, my Lord, the ultimate sustainer. The one who provides not only breathe, but strength, beyond human comprehension. I thank him and praise him today for allowing me the chance to experience his presence in such a real way. May you receive all the glory due you today Lord, your daughter feels extremely blessed!

Taking a break from the electrical world...

I feel like a beverage bottle that has been shaken up rapidly. Currently, I'm attempting to be still and simply let the "particles" float down and settle in their rightful place again. Whew! Here are some random thoughts that have begun to filter through this process...

• I have enjoyed my time being unplugged... sing with me "don't know what ya got till it's gone..."
• We're declaring an unplugged night once a month in the Conrad home - game night by candlelight, peanut butter and jelly on crackers! Good family fun!
• Lots of fun to be had with empty boxes (pinky-dinky do drawings :)
• So this is why people of yester-year went to bed early?
• Amazing how much "more" we've seen of our neighbors
• What did we do before cell phones?
• I actually liked saving the time on drying on hair!
• Big ol' cookouts mid-week September - love it!
• Enjoying a cool breeze while reading with a flashlight, snuggled next to a loved one, so relaxing!
• Hanging out with friends, doin life, and borrowing their electrical services - special.
• Pulling in the driveway, pressing the garage door out of habit, realizing your action is all for naught... then watching it rise before you - AWWWWWW! It's back on!
• Lord, while we're "taking another break from the norm", what was with this whole Carolina thing? (to be continued...)
  

Thank you Lord for being able to look at ice with so much appreciation. Thank you for answering prayers, even the most simple ones. Thank you for our home. Thank you for family and friends. Thank you for being patient with my questions and my moods. Thank you for the air we breathe. Thank you for the reminders that come at just the right time. Thank you for just being you.

He gives and takes away...

I've started this post several times, admitting to having several different titles to correspond with each one. To try to sum up the past week in the lives of the Conrad family cannot adequately fit on a page, let alone several pages. I humbly pray that the Lord would use His words right now to simply share what he knows your heart needs to hear today. So let's begin...

This journey began in January. When going for a brisk winter run, I clearly heard a whisper that I have come to learn and recognize as the voice of my father. He informed me that he no longer had a place for me to serve him in the current position I was serving come the fall season. I believed and trusted (though still wondered) as I tried my best to continue to serve him in the way he had asked of me then (take away #1). Next, he worked on my husband's heart, revealing that the small group we've been privileged to lead was a place he no longer wanted us to serve in as well (take away #2). The end of March, the Lord clearly spoke to my husband about having a plan for us in Charlotte, North Carolina. A place we both enjoyed, yet it was far from family (and church family), our community, our schools, and all things familiar (take away #3). In seeing the peace and conviction of my husband, I found myself saying... okay. In obedience, we put our house up for sale.

Not much longer after that, I saw my husband wrestle, no longer having that peace. He honestly shared one evening, Heather it just isn't the right time... okay. In the weeks to follow, I felt like I was temporarily side-lined. I watched the "race" of life continue in front of my eyes, not really able to join back in, or even know how to start running again. Then came June. Aaron had a business trip planned and asked me the day before if the kids and I could join him. Where to you may ask? None other than Charlotte, North Carolina. My first response - ahhhhhh. A bit of fear. What if he shows us an open door, can I walk through it this time, still stunned from allowing my heart to risk, only to have the door shut in my face. So what happened? I chose to trust my husband. He asked me to join him, and like Caleb, go and see the land (Number 13).

What did God show us? Himself. How? Through the faces and words of his daughter and sons, to the not-so-random circumstances and situations that unfolded completely unplanned on our part. We felt at home in this strange land, we felt a fit, we felt a calling. What did we do? Acted in obedience and placed the "For Sale" sign in our yard for the second time. Time passed. Lessons in dependence on Him, forgiveness, and healing took place. We drew closer and closer, listening intently for his voice. We waited. Waited. Wondered. Waited. School started for the kids. Waited. Reflected. Grew more confused. Waited. Just about decided to stay, when I sensed a "hang on". Then the call came (see following post).

We had an offer, we had a contract, we were off to watch Him open the door to our new home. We walked through house after house after house. Watching, hoping, anticipating. Sunday afternoon we drove back to Columbus, no door opened. Lord, what does this mean? Our hearts were in anguish, realizing we'll be homeless in 12 days, both Aaron and I tried to cut through the forest to see a clearing on the other side. We sat in silence. We prayed. We begged. We sat in silence. And then he spoke (God through my husband, that is). He spoke about Abraham and Isaac. He talked about walking up the mountain, not knowing the outcome, but trusting in God's plan. He talked about the willingness to offer our most precious gift, in laying it up for sacrifice (no matter how confusing it may be). He talked about going the distance (lifting the knife), and at that final moment in which Abraham would carry out the plan, God interrupted. At the last moment, he provided a substitute (in this case a ram), Genesis 22. A reminder and picture of the substitute that would be provided for my salvation, the sacrifice of God's one and only son, Jesus Christ. But for us, the Lord's ram came in the form of a sign, a visual sign that I saw on our drive home... "Welcome to Ohio". I was home (God gives #1).

The rest of the way home, my heart attempted to process, attempted to wrap my mind around this unrecognizable outcome... could it really be that we are home? Is it possible? As my husband and I talked about our options, we had no answers, but we had a direction. Monday afternoon, the kids came home from school and we jumped in the car again to, guess what, look at sore more houses, this time in Hilliard, Ohio (craziness!). Our realtor took us to an neighbor that we've always liked. 1,2,3,4,5 of us, all piled out of the car (again!). We walked up to the door, it was opened, we took one step in... and we knew. This was it. This was it! We envisioned ministries taking place in front of our eyes (God gives #2). What next? We placed a bid that night. The next day, the seller's countered, we accepted. It was vacant, we could move in 10 days. Close on our current home, then close on our next home. Unbelievable. Only God.

Enough drama for you yet? But wait, the story isn't quite finished... The next day, our inspection took place. A few issues arose. We attempted to meet our buyers mid-way. We waited, and waited. Friday arrived, the inspection on our new home loomed, still no call. Aaron went ahead with the inspection. My cell phone rang. The buyers had called, they canceled our contract. (God gives #3). We remain where we began in this journey. Our house is again our home. Is this the way I would have drawn this up? Do I fully understand why? Absolutely not! Yet, I had a opportunity to "see" a mighty truth - his ways our higher than my ways. An answer to the why can be found in John 9:23, " ...so that the work of God might be displayed in your life."

Do you see a pattern?
Heather, will you give me your service? Yes, Lord, help me.
Will you give me your community/family? Yes Lord, help me.
Will you give me your home and all the roots along with that? Yes Lord, help me.

Faith steps in, testing happens, choices are to be made, there is a mountain to climb, hunger ensues, thirst threatens to engulf, weather conditions make it unbearable, you arrive.

Heather, you have learned to depend on me. Yes Lord. Here is your community.
Heather, you have learned to trust though you cannot see. Yes Lord. Here is your place to serve. Heather, you have learned to remain in faithful support of the King I have place in your home (Proverbs 21:1). Yes Lord. Here is your home, here are your roots.
Lord, I am overwhelmed. This just about crushed me. Thank you for the opportunity to understand your word. I would do it all over again.

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. This is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, than I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. And without faith, it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him. Hebrews 11:1,6

Yes, No, Wait

I've often heard that there are three ways that God answers our prayers - yes, no, and wait. Again, pretty simple, but maybe God isn't the one who operates on over-complication. Pastor Allen talked about this on Wednesday night, and if you would have asked me about my life at that moment, God's plan for Aaron and I has been... wait.

Waiting. Does anyone really like this word? It's something we talk about, require, and outright demand of our children at times, yet do we really ever "grow-up and out" of? (See Stef's blog!) I must admit, that a few times lately, you'd find me flailing around on the floor, kicking and screaming with all my might, if I would allow my insides to show on the outsides, that is. I regress. Why? It's out of my control. I don't understand. I may never know why.

Just about a week ago, this flailing and gnashing finally caught up with me, in the form of exhaustion (as with most tantrums, sigh). I found myself in a position that I wanted to be in, but didn't know how to get there. I found myself on the floor, broken, and spilled out. Humbling place to be, relieving place to be, refreshing, and refueling position to reside in. I was ready with an open heart to surrender... my all, my life... trusting not in what is seen, but what is unseen... the essence of one simple word - faith.

Yesterday, my husband and I received the call - an offer. A buyer with an intention to purchase our house. The details of the day astounds us. Later today, we will be traveling to Charlotte, NC to watch His story in our life unfold. His timing for our move is 2 weeks, our response is... okay (after the YIKES! part). We'll see.... story of our lives hugh? What's life without a little adventure (wink)!

Dear Lord, I pray that you continue to calm my anxious heart. Lord, I pray today for your wisdom as you guide and direct our path. Lord, I pray that we will clearly see your will, recognize it, and know it without giving a thought to doubt. Lord, help me to lean into you and to stand on your truth in a world that tells me I'm crazy. Lord, may "the words of my heart and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O LORD, my Rock, and my Redeemer." (Psalm 19:14) Lord, as you continue to bring this verse to mind, may it penetrate my being and remain in the forefront of my thoughts:

Do not be anxious about anything but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving present your requests to God. And the peace which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7

To be continued...

What is my purpose?

Not sure where your thoughts find you today, but lately I've been asking myself where my purpose lies. For me, this question usually surfaces around times of change, adjusting, new stages (ahem, school starting). God's timing never ceases to amaze me, and I pray I never lose that amazement.

As I was further reflecting on my race with Him, another detail came to mind. To give you a picture of the moment, imagine how your body would feel after undergoing continuous aerobic exercise for close to two hours. Imagine how you would feel as your eyes fall upon flags, inflatables, and Columbus skyline, indicating that your time of exhaustion in nearing it's final stages. Imagine the hope that arises, the strength that follows, and the guts that you know it'll take to get there. Imagine as you grow closer the sounds that you hear - music, cheering, encouraging words, cows bells (yes, cow bells). Imagine your name, your whole name, spoken clearly and loud enough to be heard over all the noise. Out of the thousands of runners that day, someone has spoken your personal name. Your name mentioned with enthusiasm, in recognition of a job well done. Know what I imagined at this moment? My Jesus. Callin my name. Greeting me in a personal way. Fanfare grander than that of a president. Welcoming me home.

My Jesus, I can't thank you enough for this reminder. This "scene" simply exceeds by human ability to describe. As I was sharing with my husband moments ago, he stopped me. "Heather, you have got to watch this." On his blog, he's posted a video clip that records Mark Hall, lead singer of Castings Crowns, talking about this subject. As I listened, His words of truth, through Mark, hit "home" to me in such a personal, confirming way. He mentioned a scripture that comes to mind frequently when I run, but he added an even greater insight for me. In 2 Timothy, verse 7, Paul talks about fighting the good fight:

I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.

Often times, I've viewed this "fight" as an event in my life, possibly conquering a test in school, enduring a sports season, persisting through college, accomplishing the planning of an event, a study, often times stages that I have prayed over, through, around, and about. Then what happens as I near the "finish line" of the race? Awwww, that was great, but....what's next? Mark helped me differentiate between my purpose and my journey. Reading Philippians 3 gives me some more insight on what Paul is describing as his fight. His soul purpose is to know Christ. In Romans 8:29, it is written for us to be conformed to the likeness of his Son. Somewhere along the line, I've chosen to perhaps believe the purpose in my life lies in the venue of what I "do". Perhaps I've thought that God created me to go to college, or to be a teacher, or to_______ (fill in your blank). In truth God has created me for a purpose, and that is to bring himself glory. Maybe the question to ask is not what is my purpose, but how am I to be a part of bringing God glory? Perhaps the answer lies in our journey.

May I humbly suggest that through our individual journeys (be it our roles, our careers, the people that surround us), we can choose to become like Jesus, and in doing so, are able to point others to him, all for the sole (or soul) purpose of bringing God the glory. So what does this mean for today? It means that I'm not going to "trip over today, worrying about tomorrow", to quote Mark Hall. I get to choose where my focus will lie? If I set my sights on getting to know Christ, his purpose of conforming me to the image of his Son will be fulfilled. To borrow a slogan from the 80's - Christ is life, the rest are just details.

I pray that these words do not come across in a way that seems "over-simplified", but in my life and for my mind, I need simple. Jesus came for all to know him. It was meant to be simple. If it has become over-complicated, I point the finger at myself. Lord, I pray that today my focus is on you. Will you guide me back to you as I get off course (which I know will happen). Lord my desire is to know you more today than I did yesterday. May I recognize you, and give you the credit (glory) that is yours to have. Amen.