I just can't get it together...

Have you ever experienced a time when you mauled and mauled over something in your mind, focusing, pondering, thinking, grasping over a way to describe in some sort of semblance of complete sentences that made some sort of sense, at least in the English language? (Did that question itself make sense?) Have you ever tried to wrap your mind around a concept that just seemed to grow more and more unwrap-able the more and more you thought about it? I don't know about you, but I like to "wrap things up". I like to think and think, and then have a concluding thought or thoughts. I like to tie up my thought time in a nice, neat presentable little package with one of those cute bows on top. I like that... doesn't mean it always happens.

I've been thinking over this post for quite some time now. More importantly than a post, though, is this particular topic. This topic has come up over and over in my life. It's both a pro and a con in my life. It's both a soft, cozy blanket, and an unwelcomed guest. It's helped me to gain perspective, and also taken me away from the focus I long to have. It reminds me of how much truth matters. The topic is... doubt.

A book that I pick up from time to time is titled Battlefield of the Mind by Joyce Meyer, and the chapter I happened to open up to the other day was entitled, A Doubtful and Unbelieving Mind. In the verb form, doubt is defined as "...to stand in two ways... implying uncertainty which way to take..." To differentiate between doubt and unbelief, doubt causes a person to waver between two opinions, whereas unbelief leads to disobedience.

Do you remember a time where you were faced with two scenarios, both decisions looked favorable, yet only one could be chosen? Maybe both opportunities looked attractive, both had pros and cons, perhaps you sought advice, yet the more you deliberated, the more confused you became? I seem to become struck with these decisions more than I care to think about at times. I can't say that I have it all figured out, but one instance at a time, I can relate to this statement written on the pages of this book - "Go somewhere, get quiet and still, then turn your head off. Look into your heart, see what is there, and do it!" Basically, tune into your heart, what does it say, acknowledge it, and go forth!

James 1:5-8

5If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. 6But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. 7That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; 8he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does.

Over the past few years, I've come to recognize just how "double-minded" I can be. For years, I thought I was doing the right thing in thoroughly thinking through my options before making a decision. I thought it wise, necessary, and even the responsible thing to do. So much so, that I took it to the extreme, becoming so anguished over a decision that I became paralyzed to make ANY decision. I didn't recognize the lie that I had to be all-knowing, I didn't recognize from whom my thoughts came. I didn't recognize that through all my "thinking" I grew more and more fearful of the consequences of making the wrong decision. I didn't recognize my lack of trust, I didn't recognize my lack of faith, I didn't recognize my true lack of foundation. I needed to be filled with truth, and with that truth, I've found what I didn't realize was actually missing...freedom.

How I am so thankful for His truth. I have something to stand on that is unshakable, unchangeable, unwavering in a world that is constantly changing, shaking and changing. God shows me a man named Abraham that, though imperfect in every sense of the word, did not waver when he considered his impossible situation (Romans 4-18-21). He shows us that we can be aware of our circumstances and yet, purposefully, glorify God when we continue to do what we know is right in adverse circumstances. Just like Peter who stepped out and walked on water (Matthew 14:24-32), the storms of life cease as soon as you quit doubting and crawl back into a place of safety and security.

If you are interested in this topic as well, I highly recommend John Ortberg's book simply titled, Faith and Doubt. I'm currently half-way through it as it's giving me lots to chew on. As with anything, I encourage you to simply remember to ask God for wisdom. A common phrase or question being asked frequently of our children is, "Did you ask?" Many times the "silent" response reiterates the rhetorical question. John 16:24 Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete.

Thanks for spending time in simply reading this today. God has a great life planned for you. Don't let the devil steal it from you through lies! Instead...

refute arguments and theories and reasonings and every proud and lofty thing that sets itself up against the true knowledge of God; and...lead every thought and purpose away captive into the obedience of Christ. 2 Corinthians 10:5

Enjoy your day with Him!

He gives and takes away...

I've started this post several times, admitting to having several different titles to correspond with each one. To try to sum up the past week in the lives of the Conrad family cannot adequately fit on a page, let alone several pages. I humbly pray that the Lord would use His words right now to simply share what he knows your heart needs to hear today. So let's begin...

This journey began in January. When going for a brisk winter run, I clearly heard a whisper that I have come to learn and recognize as the voice of my father. He informed me that he no longer had a place for me to serve him in the current position I was serving come the fall season. I believed and trusted (though still wondered) as I tried my best to continue to serve him in the way he had asked of me then (take away #1). Next, he worked on my husband's heart, revealing that the small group we've been privileged to lead was a place he no longer wanted us to serve in as well (take away #2). The end of March, the Lord clearly spoke to my husband about having a plan for us in Charlotte, North Carolina. A place we both enjoyed, yet it was far from family (and church family), our community, our schools, and all things familiar (take away #3). In seeing the peace and conviction of my husband, I found myself saying... okay. In obedience, we put our house up for sale.

Not much longer after that, I saw my husband wrestle, no longer having that peace. He honestly shared one evening, Heather it just isn't the right time... okay. In the weeks to follow, I felt like I was temporarily side-lined. I watched the "race" of life continue in front of my eyes, not really able to join back in, or even know how to start running again. Then came June. Aaron had a business trip planned and asked me the day before if the kids and I could join him. Where to you may ask? None other than Charlotte, North Carolina. My first response - ahhhhhh. A bit of fear. What if he shows us an open door, can I walk through it this time, still stunned from allowing my heart to risk, only to have the door shut in my face. So what happened? I chose to trust my husband. He asked me to join him, and like Caleb, go and see the land (Number 13).

What did God show us? Himself. How? Through the faces and words of his daughter and sons, to the not-so-random circumstances and situations that unfolded completely unplanned on our part. We felt at home in this strange land, we felt a fit, we felt a calling. What did we do? Acted in obedience and placed the "For Sale" sign in our yard for the second time. Time passed. Lessons in dependence on Him, forgiveness, and healing took place. We drew closer and closer, listening intently for his voice. We waited. Waited. Wondered. Waited. School started for the kids. Waited. Reflected. Grew more confused. Waited. Just about decided to stay, when I sensed a "hang on". Then the call came (see following post).

We had an offer, we had a contract, we were off to watch Him open the door to our new home. We walked through house after house after house. Watching, hoping, anticipating. Sunday afternoon we drove back to Columbus, no door opened. Lord, what does this mean? Our hearts were in anguish, realizing we'll be homeless in 12 days, both Aaron and I tried to cut through the forest to see a clearing on the other side. We sat in silence. We prayed. We begged. We sat in silence. And then he spoke (God through my husband, that is). He spoke about Abraham and Isaac. He talked about walking up the mountain, not knowing the outcome, but trusting in God's plan. He talked about the willingness to offer our most precious gift, in laying it up for sacrifice (no matter how confusing it may be). He talked about going the distance (lifting the knife), and at that final moment in which Abraham would carry out the plan, God interrupted. At the last moment, he provided a substitute (in this case a ram), Genesis 22. A reminder and picture of the substitute that would be provided for my salvation, the sacrifice of God's one and only son, Jesus Christ. But for us, the Lord's ram came in the form of a sign, a visual sign that I saw on our drive home... "Welcome to Ohio". I was home (God gives #1).

The rest of the way home, my heart attempted to process, attempted to wrap my mind around this unrecognizable outcome... could it really be that we are home? Is it possible? As my husband and I talked about our options, we had no answers, but we had a direction. Monday afternoon, the kids came home from school and we jumped in the car again to, guess what, look at sore more houses, this time in Hilliard, Ohio (craziness!). Our realtor took us to an neighbor that we've always liked. 1,2,3,4,5 of us, all piled out of the car (again!). We walked up to the door, it was opened, we took one step in... and we knew. This was it. This was it! We envisioned ministries taking place in front of our eyes (God gives #2). What next? We placed a bid that night. The next day, the seller's countered, we accepted. It was vacant, we could move in 10 days. Close on our current home, then close on our next home. Unbelievable. Only God.

Enough drama for you yet? But wait, the story isn't quite finished... The next day, our inspection took place. A few issues arose. We attempted to meet our buyers mid-way. We waited, and waited. Friday arrived, the inspection on our new home loomed, still no call. Aaron went ahead with the inspection. My cell phone rang. The buyers had called, they canceled our contract. (God gives #3). We remain where we began in this journey. Our house is again our home. Is this the way I would have drawn this up? Do I fully understand why? Absolutely not! Yet, I had a opportunity to "see" a mighty truth - his ways our higher than my ways. An answer to the why can be found in John 9:23, " ...so that the work of God might be displayed in your life."

Do you see a pattern?
Heather, will you give me your service? Yes, Lord, help me.
Will you give me your community/family? Yes Lord, help me.
Will you give me your home and all the roots along with that? Yes Lord, help me.

Faith steps in, testing happens, choices are to be made, there is a mountain to climb, hunger ensues, thirst threatens to engulf, weather conditions make it unbearable, you arrive.

Heather, you have learned to depend on me. Yes Lord. Here is your community.
Heather, you have learned to trust though you cannot see. Yes Lord. Here is your place to serve. Heather, you have learned to remain in faithful support of the King I have place in your home (Proverbs 21:1). Yes Lord. Here is your home, here are your roots.
Lord, I am overwhelmed. This just about crushed me. Thank you for the opportunity to understand your word. I would do it all over again.

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. This is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, than I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. And without faith, it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him. Hebrews 11:1,6

What is my purpose?

Not sure where your thoughts find you today, but lately I've been asking myself where my purpose lies. For me, this question usually surfaces around times of change, adjusting, new stages (ahem, school starting). God's timing never ceases to amaze me, and I pray I never lose that amazement.

As I was further reflecting on my race with Him, another detail came to mind. To give you a picture of the moment, imagine how your body would feel after undergoing continuous aerobic exercise for close to two hours. Imagine how you would feel as your eyes fall upon flags, inflatables, and Columbus skyline, indicating that your time of exhaustion in nearing it's final stages. Imagine the hope that arises, the strength that follows, and the guts that you know it'll take to get there. Imagine as you grow closer the sounds that you hear - music, cheering, encouraging words, cows bells (yes, cow bells). Imagine your name, your whole name, spoken clearly and loud enough to be heard over all the noise. Out of the thousands of runners that day, someone has spoken your personal name. Your name mentioned with enthusiasm, in recognition of a job well done. Know what I imagined at this moment? My Jesus. Callin my name. Greeting me in a personal way. Fanfare grander than that of a president. Welcoming me home.

My Jesus, I can't thank you enough for this reminder. This "scene" simply exceeds by human ability to describe. As I was sharing with my husband moments ago, he stopped me. "Heather, you have got to watch this." On his blog, he's posted a video clip that records Mark Hall, lead singer of Castings Crowns, talking about this subject. As I listened, His words of truth, through Mark, hit "home" to me in such a personal, confirming way. He mentioned a scripture that comes to mind frequently when I run, but he added an even greater insight for me. In 2 Timothy, verse 7, Paul talks about fighting the good fight:

I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.

Often times, I've viewed this "fight" as an event in my life, possibly conquering a test in school, enduring a sports season, persisting through college, accomplishing the planning of an event, a study, often times stages that I have prayed over, through, around, and about. Then what happens as I near the "finish line" of the race? Awwww, that was great, but....what's next? Mark helped me differentiate between my purpose and my journey. Reading Philippians 3 gives me some more insight on what Paul is describing as his fight. His soul purpose is to know Christ. In Romans 8:29, it is written for us to be conformed to the likeness of his Son. Somewhere along the line, I've chosen to perhaps believe the purpose in my life lies in the venue of what I "do". Perhaps I've thought that God created me to go to college, or to be a teacher, or to_______ (fill in your blank). In truth God has created me for a purpose, and that is to bring himself glory. Maybe the question to ask is not what is my purpose, but how am I to be a part of bringing God glory? Perhaps the answer lies in our journey.

May I humbly suggest that through our individual journeys (be it our roles, our careers, the people that surround us), we can choose to become like Jesus, and in doing so, are able to point others to him, all for the sole (or soul) purpose of bringing God the glory. So what does this mean for today? It means that I'm not going to "trip over today, worrying about tomorrow", to quote Mark Hall. I get to choose where my focus will lie? If I set my sights on getting to know Christ, his purpose of conforming me to the image of his Son will be fulfilled. To borrow a slogan from the 80's - Christ is life, the rest are just details.

I pray that these words do not come across in a way that seems "over-simplified", but in my life and for my mind, I need simple. Jesus came for all to know him. It was meant to be simple. If it has become over-complicated, I point the finger at myself. Lord, I pray that today my focus is on you. Will you guide me back to you as I get off course (which I know will happen). Lord my desire is to know you more today than I did yesterday. May I recognize you, and give you the credit (glory) that is yours to have. Amen.

Devotion

Just wanted to take a moment and share an amazing devotion I read yesterday from Sarah Young's book, Jesus Calling:

Expect to encounter adversity in your life, remembering that you live in a deeply fallen world. Stop trying to find a way that circumvents difficulties. The main problem with an easy life is that it masks your need for Me. When you become a Christian, I infused My very Life into you, empowering you to live on a supernatural plane by depending on Me.

Anticipate coming face-to-face with impossibilities: situations totally beyond your ability to handle. This awareness of your inadequacy is not something you should try to evade. It is precisely where I want you - the best place to encounter Me in My Glory and Power. When you see armies of problems marching toward you, cry out to Me! Allow Me to fight for you. Watch Me working on your behalf, as you rest in the shadow of My Almighty Presence.

Revelation 19:1, Psalm 91:1

The good, the bad, and the ugly

How does one live a daily life with God? What does it actually look like? What do we we do with all the "stuff" that happens to us? Why does it seem that the harder I set my mind on him, feelings aside, the more I get knocked down? At the end of the day, is this pursuit worth it?

In full confession, I actually want to admit a struggle I've had as of late. Ask me just 2 years ago to admit anything I'm struggling with, and you would have received the "ARE YOU CRAZY?" look. Funny thing is, the more I search for the truth, the more I realize I've actually believed lies for the duration of my life. I believed (and still do at times) that admitting weakness, sharing my ugly thoughts, showing that in fact, I am not capable of keeping it together, could cause others to think less of me, to loss respect for me, and to subject myself to the thoughts and glances of disappointment and shame. I not only believed this, but I lived in fear of it for most of my life. I became a professional mask-wearer. I played the game so well, in fact, that I no longer knew who I was, I became only what others needed me to be.

As one who's been there, done that, I can tell you that as God has peeled back one layer after the other, I've experienced something that I never expected. Where I assumed condemnation would reign, instead I found freedom. Where criticism loomed, I found love. Where ostracism was spoken in my ear, relatability, authenticity, and a true realness has prevailed. How? I started to know my Jesus. How? I started reading, I started joining a study, I started surrounding myself with women who were real, welcoming, and unbelievably wise. I started asking questions, I recognized a thirst, and I began to allow my heart to fill up with the only one who can pour his living water into my dried up soul - my savior, my Jesus.

Wow, wasn't expecting to go down that road, but here we are. So my recent struggle - my ugly words. Lately it hasn't taken much for me to quickly point out the faults, mistakes, and failures that my children have made, over and over again. (Can you say, projecting!) I recognize it, I repent, I apologize, I'm genuinely sad about it, and I do it again. And I do it again. In my never-ending quest to "figure myself out" to fix things and move on, this one has stumped me. Why do I continue to do this?

As we walked to the park, I simply decided to say, Lord I'm going to thank you today (failed to mention anything specific). I'm simply going to chose to praise you today, even if I don't feel like it. I can't understand right now (several facets of my life), but I'm going to trust you. At lunch, I read a blog entry that put it to words for me. As you have a chance, click on Marla's site, her entry entitled "depleted, defeated, deflated". She directed me to a passage in Romans 7 (this is a good one!), taken from the Message:

What I don't understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise. So if I can't be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God's command is necessary.

17-20But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can't keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don't have what it takes. I can will it, but I can't do it. I decide to do good, but I don't really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don't result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time.

21-23It happens so regularly that it's predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God's commands, but it's pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge.

24I've tried everything and nothing helps. I'm at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn't that the real question?

25The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different.

Pretty awesome, thank you Paul! So, back to my first question posed, how do we do this thing of life with God in our everyday moments? Today I started with this... Good morning God. I'm telling you right now, I'm going to mess up today (sin). I'm thanking you in advance for loving me. Now, please, help me get out of bed. (Last morning to sleep before our precious Emma starts kindergarten in the morning, sniff, sniff).

How did the rest of the day turn out? Too amazing to explain. What began as waking up to sibling squabbles yet again, turned into several moments where he showed evidence of his sheer presence again, and again, and again - starting with my attitude, showing me a quarter, greeting me with a stranger's face, helping me to shed a tear, calling a friend in need, listening to my children say thank you, helping another child compose an apology letter, listening to prayers, catching up with my husband, enjoying a run while watching an amazing beach volleyball game, and now allowing time to post. Not quite what I expected this morning. I'm coming to learn that the unexpected is what I cherish the most (this coming from a person who craves predictability, only God.)

Is it worth it, this pursuit of Christ? May I say this again, and again, and again - YES, YES, YES. I keep finding myself saying this, but the lowest moments I now feel as one who has placed Christ back in the center of my life, I would ask for again. I would do this if it means I get to spend more sweet moments with him. If it means I get knocked down, side-lined, or knocked out, I will get up and I will do it again. In light of what my Jesus has done for me, it's the least I can do. Have a delightful day with Him!

So sorry for this lengthy post, next up will be the last post for the armor of God series (really!)

My constant companion

Yesterday morning, I woke up with a heaviness. Ever experience that sensation that your muscles are physically weighing you down, that it takes a tremendous effort for you to begin and continue to move throughout the day? For me, I believe my heart donned this "cloak" of heaviness in an attempt to carry it for my husband. You see we woke up yesterday, knowing that in a few hours, he would be wearing a hospital gown, comfy socks with no-skid treads, and a shower cap. I knew I would watch as a stranger pushed the love of my life down a strange hallway and out of sight where he would not have any recollection nor knowledge of the experience of leaving that room minus one gall bladder.

I wasn't expecting this heavy cloak. I usually enjoy my role as the encourager, the peace-maker, the positive thinker. In all honestly, I had to rest on the role of quiet-supporter, lifting up prayers as fast as my heart could lead. I had not expected the intensity, the gut-check of watching your loved one and you being separated in that scene. The greater reality hit me, we would be leaving that evening, on the road to recovery. A few days of discomfort for years of a healthier body - minus one non-functioning organ. What about the countless other stories in that hospital that day? Would they be going home? What does life look like for them upon their return?

As I sat by myself in the waiting room, people, chatter, conversation, announcements, television, and snores could be heard all around me, yet a sense of "silence" was the only sound I heard, for they were sounds of people I knew not. Before this silence threaten to consume me, I made a decision. I needed a distraction. I desired to think of good things, right things, truths. I decided to get "lost" in a book. It is there that I met my friend, there where I felt wrapped in the warm of familiarity, there where I realized, I was not alone. I drew on the strength from my constant companion, one that I can always be real with, one that doesn't need a thing from me, one that always listens, one that truly loves - My Jesus.

One of the many things I read yesterday, just touched me so personally. Sarah Young has written a devotional book called Jesus Calling, taking scriptures and writing in such a way that is such a personal invitation to me each morning. Here's what He said to me:

You don't have to chose between staying close to Me and staying on course. Since I am the Way, staying close to me is staying on course. As you focus your thoughts on Me, I will guide you carefully along today's journey. Don't worry about what is around the next bend. Just concentrate on enjoying My Presence and staying in step with Me.

Jesus you ARE my all, you ARE everything I need. Whenever I feel disappointed, hurt, or angry about situations or people around me, help me remember to ask for help, to cry to you for wisdom, patience, and understanding. Lord thank you for blessing me with a soul mate, someone to love unconditionally, who loves me back with an unconditional love (a love that is concerned for me as he lays in a hospital bed hooked up to IVs). Thank you for the breath in my lungs today. Thank you for another day to give you the glory. Thank you for being my constant companion, my best friend.

A fresh look

Beth Moore....wow. The Lord led a friend, and this friend led me. Where to? Grove City Church of the Nazarene, Friday evening, a telecast from Louisville, KY to 715 satellite churches from around the country - Canada, Guatemala, Japan, Puerto Rico, and at least 2 others that I can't recall - 70,000 women in all, for what? To get a fresh word from God. Did we? Well, I for one, not only got a fresh word, I've been chewing on quite a few for 24 hours now, meaning I got much more than one!

Living Proof Ministries, if you're not familiar with them, check it out. I've included Beth Moore's site to the right, just take a moment, you will definitely be blessed. Well, last night Beth walked us through the parable of the sower found in Luke 8. Let's look at Jesus explaining this parable:

11-12"This story is about some of those people. The seed is the Word of God. The seeds on the road are those who hear the Word, but no sooner do they hear it than the Devil snatches it from them so they won't believe and be saved.

13"The seeds in the gravel are those who hear with enthusiasm, but the enthusiasm doesn't go very deep. It's only another fad, and the moment there's trouble it's gone.

14"And the seed that fell in the weeds—well, these are the ones who hear, but then the seed is crowded out and nothing comes of it as they go about their lives worrying about tomorrow, making money, and having fun.

15"But the seed in the good earth—these are the good-hearts who seize the Word and hold on no matter what, sticking with it until there's a harvest.

I chose to use the Message version here because last evening, they put together an amazing power point presentation with the very same words, became so fresh for me. Now, this harvest that is quoted lastly, refers back to verse 8 where is talks about the seed that fell upon good soil. "It came up and yield a crop, a hundred times more that was sown." Beth expounded upon this hundred fold, or one hundred times over concept. Basically the Lord states that anything you lose for my sake, I will return 100 fold. Loved when she said, "God does not exaggerate."

Anther place that you find this concept is in Genesis 26:12 when it states, "Issac planted crops in that land and the same year reaped a hundredfold, because the Lord blessed him." Keep in mind, an average crop yield is 7-15 times. Here's my summary: 1 seed sown = 100 x impact. What is this seed? A look back on verse 11 tells us this seed is the word of God. God's word having maximum impact in our lives.

She went on to speak about how do we yield a hundredfold harvest? First, treasure the wonder. Verse 10 in Luke 8 states, "The knowledge of the secrets of the kingdom of God has been given to use." Secrets! Sweet! We are privy, or allowed access to the knowledge, insight and discernment of God. Basically God gives us revelation of the revelation.

She went on to a word study of 2 Timothy 4:16, which talks about being "thoroughly equipped". After breaking down the word meanings for us ("artios" and "arti"), she concluded with the words: competently competent. We can claim this and walk in this!

Secondly, we yield a harvest when we protect our hearts. Verse 12 states the devil comes and takes away the word from hearts. She actually verbalized my thoughts... can he really do that? Yep. Verse 5 talks about the birds eating it up. The devil wants to make sure we are ill-equipped for our calling.

The devil's theme - in order that they may not...
Jesus' theme - I came that you may have.... (John 10:10)

The devil wants to take the word before we assimilate it into the marrow of our bones. We need to chose to "hide them in our hearts" in order to state that these are NOT up for grabs.

Whew, I could go on, but I think I'm supposed to stop here. Beth goes on with 5 more phrases. Check them out on her site, and keep pursuing Him!

Amazing things to ponder...an amazing God we serve.

The Armor of God

The Lord and I took a jog together the other morning. It never ceases to amaze me that we have some interesting conversations nearing the end of our time together. It reminds me that if I would have "cut out" earlier, I would have missed this talk (great motivator anyway). We got to chatting about what how to go into battles armed. Battles for me, the strong ones anyways, take place in my mind, many never even openly spoken about (my introspective side). Now, the one downside about this is that self-talk is limited, only one-sided. And, in this, you can become your own worst enemy. What I felt drawn to in looking more at these battles, is how I can stand equipped. I don't think the Lord leaves you unarmed for battle, so what is it that comes along with this Jesus territory stuff?

Armor. Yep, good ol' knights of the round table stuff. Well, let's take a look at the passage that gives the context for this so-called armor. It's found in the book of Ephesians, chapter 6. Starting in verse 11, it starts with the why:

Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

Wow, pretty deep stuff. 1 Peter 5:8 describes the devil as one who prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. His goal is to destroy. Many times, I believe, this is done through our minds thoughts, which then follows through into actions. So what are we to do? Ephesians 6 goes on to say in verse 14:

Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place.

To get a little better understanding of the "belt of truth", I decided to flip to the back of my bible ( the Concordance) and look up verses pertaining to truth and here's a little of what I found:

Psalm 33:4 - For the word of the Lord is right and true.
John 14:6 - Jesus answered, I am the way, the truth, and the life.
Revelation 22:6 - ...these words are trustworthy and true

So...the word (Bible) is true, Jesus (the way) is truth, and I can trust this truth. I think I can handle this. Something to stand upon in this world that is pretty unstable and fickle.

So what's the deal with this breastplate of righteousness? Let's save that for the next post... much more armor to explore AND I just found a neat parallel to the same armor the Lord dons found in Isaiah 59. Until then, fight with character!

Where do you run?

Darn those hurt feelings! Have you had ones of those moments recently, maybe you read an email, received a voice message or text, maybe a conversation, or maybe just a look that sent a flaming, slicing arrow right through your skin, dead center into your heart? It happens. I just wish I could duck or dash to the side to avoid them, but often times, there isn't even time for that.

I've found myself in this position just recently, so it got me thinkin... how do I react? What is it I do with this hurt and subsequent wound? How do I handle an offense, often times those unmerited? Well, I've noticed a pattern lately, and it goes something like this...

Shock - What???
Defensive - I was just... I didn't mean... I was only...
Judgments - Did you have to say it like that... Can't you see... You know me...
Anger - That really hurt! How dare...
Bitterness - What did I do to deserve this?
Blaming - You... He... She...

Where does this leave me? Is the offender dwelling, or simply clueless that I'm sitting here stewing? What will I do? Where will I turn?

Now mind you, this is a process for me, but what I decided to do today, and yes it was a choice, was to run. I decided to put into action what I'm learning to be true. Run where you may ask? To my husband, to my mom, to my friend, to a trusted accountability partner? Perhaps, but I first decided to run to Him. I decided to sit down, stop my run-away-train mind, and focus on His word. I read, and as I read, I felt myself nodding my head. I was nodding because I was reading and be reminded of truth. My theory - focus + truth = lies dispelled. I prayed for a perspective that was His, I shifted my focus off of me. My intent was to "stop going there" with thoughts that were negative and destructive (though strangely justifiable) and to actually attempt to put into action what Philippians 4:8 talks about:

Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things.

So what happened? I received what I asked for. I saw a new perspective, I believed this perspective was good and right, I was able to work through my emotions without guilt or resentment, and I felt free of the mental anguish. Where remnants of the hurt still there? You bet, but, I was now able to "talk" about the process with the stinging emotions involved. Know what else? I quickly saw some restoration happen, all with a heart that was already free, AND without the sting of words said in anger.

So, do I have this "thing" figure out? Absolutely not, if fact, another arrow shot my way just this evening. Do I have insecurities about even typing this post? Absolutely! The phrases "running to the Lord" and "running to his Word" always seemed so super-Christian to me. Phrases only a few select could actually attain (and to be honest, they were the weirdos!) I don't know much, but this much I can say, the more I am aware of His Presence, the safer I feel. This is not some sort of escape from reality; it is tuning into ultimate reality. He is far more real that the world I can see, hear, or touch. Where will you run today?

Faith is the confirmation of things we do not see and the conviction of their reality, perceiving as real fact what is not revealed to the senses. Hebrews 11:1 (AMP)

Only God!

After posting about prayer requests this morning, I received a devotional in my inbox from Proverbs 31 Ministries, and guess what God placed on my computer screen? None other than the same verse from Ephesians 6 :18. The author so beautifully expounded on the same topic that the Lord helped me to ponder this morning - only God.

The author of this devotional happens to be an amazing lady, sold out, transparent, and authentically real about herself and her Savior. She is linked on the blogroll to the right. After reading this, I encourage you to click on Renee Swope's link. This will take you to her blog where you can do two things. First, read her post as well as devotional, and secondly, add your prayer request following her clear instructions. She has set up a place to have an opportunity to pray for the person that submitted a request just before you, and the promise that the person who requests after you will be lifting you up in prayer as well.

As I checked this amazing list, the person I am praying for has a need that the Lord has been revealing in my heart and teaching me of his ways the past several months. Reminds me of a verse that is so alive to me recently, found in Luke 22:32

...And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers.

Again - only God! Isn't He amazing!

A run with substance

Nothing like waking up at 6:00 am on a Saturday to go "pound the pavement" for 2 1/2 hours! If you would have asked me this 2 years ago, "Heather, wanna join me for a run?" I would have answered, "You have fun with that, call me when you're done." Many times people ask me why in the world I train for marathons, and I simply answer, "Because I think it's cool watching toe nails fall off. " No, not really. I first started running because He asked me to, I'm still running today because I simply can't get enough of my time with him.

Now in case you think I have it all figured out, let me reassure you that I'm far from it. In case you think that I have this journey and the joy of running thing all figured out, let me tell you that I don't. Just this morning, I was dragging my feet. Every excuse in the book was rattling through my mind. My amazing running friend, Amanda, had a wonderful opportunity to visit a friend this weekend, so that bit of accountability made "shushing" the voices that much more difficult. But, I did get up, I did lace up, and without another thought of the excuses, off I went.

Now there have been many times along this journey where my Jesus saw fit to share some amazing things with me, and other times where he just listened to my mind race along from one topic to another. (I always say that years of life-guarding have taught me to hone my skill of "talking to myself" for hours). At times, I've seen some things about his creation I've never "seen" before, at times he's spoken to me through a song, and other times, I've simply appreciated the breeze just when I needed it. Today, I just spent time with his presence. Ever have those times with a close friend, or maybe you're spouse where you can be in the presence of each other, no words needed. I just ran in his joy this morning. Least you think running in joy means running pain free, let me tell you the pain is real and the pain is there, but somehow it's not in the forefront of your mind. It's almost as though a separation occurs. If asked, are you in pain, your body will say yes, yet there I am with a smile that cannot be wiped off.

Know what I'm talking about? Ever found yourself in a time, situation, or circumstance in your life that should have given you the "right" to hole up in your room, licking your wounds, when in fact, you are living and breathing in ways beyond your own self, your own strength. Reminds me of a favorite verse from Psalm 121,

I lift my eyes up to the hills - where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.

We have a dear friend who is in the hospital at the moment, withstanding an amazing amount of physical pain. As I ran this morning, asking the Lord to help me finish the course that we had planned, my thoughts ran directly to him. My pain is short-term, can be resolved with a bit of Advil. His pain is daily, minute after minute. He is running his marathon, one that the Lord is asking of Him. Lord, may he know that he inspires and encourages our faith daily. May he cry out to you for help Lord, may he feel your presence so strongly that he may claim like James,

"Consider it pure joy my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4

Stef, we love you brother! Sandi, may He give you His almighty strength to endure! It's a privilege and an honor for all of us to walk this road with you. For more of Stef's story, please click on the link to the right. Have a joy-filled day in Him.