Selfish

I want to begin by praising Him today. There are many ways we can praise, there are many reasons to praise, there are several feelings why not to praise. While I could share about each of these concepts, I choose to acknowledge his Almighty Name today for simply answering a prayer of my heart, and in turn, changing my family. You see, lately I've found myself in a rut, a pattern of sorts, and I wasn't too happy about it. He provided an opportunity for accountability, and in searching my heart, he provided an avenue to confess and to ask others to join me in approaching His throne on behalf of my heart.

My heart issue - selfishness. We all have it, we haven't had to work to attain this, we were born with it. We know we have it, but many times we foolishly turn a prideful eye in acknowledging the need to call a spade a spade. We're consumed with wanting what we want, and wanting it right now. Need an example, choose any nursery room on a Sunday morning, borrow a niece or nephew, watch the neighborhood kids - I promise you, it'll show up :)

I love my children. Each child is a miracle, a blessing, and the most amazing gift I've ever been given. I adore them. They bring me joy, they make me laugh, they tickle my heart. At the same time, they challenge me. I think of them as little mirrors sometimes, reflecting back what they see. Sadly, and in all honesty, what I catch reflected at times is pretty darn ugly. Whether it's a facial expression, a tone, or a word, it's often something they've "seen" before. Something they've seen in me.

This "rut" I talked about earlier, was a pattern of how I have been speaking to my children. I've learned that children have a tendency to interrupt. Now, I can respond to life's interruptions in one of two ways. I can view this interruption as annoying, aggravating, and downright rude, therefore responding to the interrupter with annoyance, irritation, and even sarcasm, "Don't you see that I'm in the middle of something!" "You have to wait." "Mommy's busy right now, you go find something else to do." OR, I can choose to see this "interruption" as a time to evaluate my current priorities, to be thankful for a small person who cares and values my time, attention, and input, to cherish this time in their young lives. In this case, the interruptions would be met with gentleness, patience, understanding, and self-control.

We know this. We know our options. We know which is the better choice. We don't always follow this knowledge. Feelings, moods, circumstances, sheer laziness, the comfort of being "home" and with "family", all factor into the equation. In all honesty, I had found myself choosing the wrong one. It was as if the words came out, and I was taken aback, as if someone else spoke them. I apologized on a few occasions (some through gritted teeth of pride), but mostly I became impatient, over-critical, and simply annoyed by imperfections. Yikes, it's hard to type this, yet it's the truth. What to do?

Prayer. Lord, can you please help me? I don't want to be this way, I don't know what to do? After surprising sharing my heart this week at church, I'd like to humbly try to put into words His answered prayer. Basically, kind words are back to being effortless. Time spent with the children, planning activities, and simply laughing at the little mishaps of life has changed the tone of our home this week. This first began by pausing for a half-second, to filter the ugly, and out came the lovely. Strange. Amazing. True. I had a heart-change.

Luke 6:45

45The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks.

My friend Martha, an amazing Godly woman, sent me an email about this answered heart-prayer. She wrote, "When we "...pray without ceasing..." the Holy Spirit is unleashed to do and work God's perfect will in and for our lives...AND I think he uses our very prayers to remind us of our needs....hence the "filter" when we are about to step in quicksand!!"

And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. (Roman 3:5)

Lord, I am so very thankful for you today. You heard my prayer, you honored my repentant heart, you changed me, and gave me your perspective again. The fruits of your spirit can be displayed in my life and can spill over onto all those I love (at the moment). You are my rock. You are my refuge. You are the way, the truth, and the life. I love you.

Pain

I made a decision this morning. Before I changed my mind, came up with excuses, or weighed options of alternative choices, I layered up. I put on a layer of pants over some tights, a t-shirt, long-sleeve shirt, jacket, warm socks, hat, gloves, laced up shoes and headed out, pressing play on my IPOD to listen to an hour-long podcast. Yes, I decided to go for a run.

Now, I'm guessing that you might fall into the group that would associate the title of this post with said running activity - you think running, you associate pain. I would have to agree with you. After a little over 2 1/2 years of this adventure with the Lord, I agree that most runs do, at some point, bring about pain. I got to thinking about this while dodging icy patches today, and a memory of my first marathon training runs came to mind.

This particular run took place on a day in July, and I remember the weather to be extremely humid and hazy on this morning. One of the reasons I remember this run is because it sticks out in my mind as the day I most wanted to quit. I vividly remember tuning into my body and it was as if it could just about whisper in exhaustion, "Stop...PLEASE...stop!" With every lift of my leg, one after the other, it seemed as though every muscles was screaming, so loudly in fact, I could NOT distract my thoughts with anything else. It was as if my body never experienced a run a day in it's life before. Only by some complete miracle, by loudly crying out for help, did my mind calm down and convince by body that it would not die, but in fact, grow stronger from the experience.

Numbers 14:17
"Now may the Lord's strength be displayed, just as you have declared:

I specifically remember running down the Hilliard trail, almost reaching the half-way point where I planned on turning around for the run back home, when an image came across my mind as clear as if it was truly in front of me. I "saw" a finish line, and just beyond that finish line, I saw the faces of those precious friends that have been my prayers partners alongside me in this journey. I "saw" them, though it was like watching a silent movie in slow-motion. Some were cupping thir hands near their mouth as though they were screaming, some were bent forward and waving their hands to draw me nearer, some were jumping up and down, lifting their arms, while others just stood with a large smile on their faces. As I grew closer and closer, straining towards them, I managed to cross the "line" and immediately the picture changed. As I strained forward, leaning into what I thought would be the embrace of my friends, I instead, fell into the arms of my Jesus.

It was an amazing picture. At that moment, I had a thought. A thought that I knew came from the one who just gave me this vision. This was a picture of a race, yes, but it was not the race I was currently training for, not the finish line I had envisioned each run prior. This marathon of life, the one in which I train everyday, the race that will be complete, not just in a little over 4 hours, but instead, on the day I will see my Jesus face to face.

1 Corinthians 9:24
Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize.

2 Timothy 4:7
7I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.

I can tell you that at that moment of the vision, I was running, but my feet were not touching the ground. I was overcome with emotion, thankful for experiencing pain that day. In fact, I'd love to tell you that I experienced this "floating" for the second half of my run, but I didn't. Soon after, the pain returned. Just as in life, our times of conflict, our circumstances, our struggles don't necessarily change, but our perspective, our hearts, can. We are such limited creatures, with a one-way, mostly selfish perspective. When we can start to ask for His eyes, and "see" things through His lens, we not only gain wisdom and knowledge beyond ourselves, but we receive his love, joy, peace, and hope that can be found no where else.

Romans 8:28
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Pain. I've come to learn that pain has different purposes. One purpose of pain has been crafted by our creator as a type of warning system, an indicator that something is injured, damaged, not functioning properly. It allows us to investigate the source of this pain to stop continued damage and further serious repercussions. Another type of pain experienced can be caused by....adjustment, fatigue. Perhaps a muscle or another part of our anatomy has not been used in awhile, perhaps it has lay dormant, and for whatever reason, it is being called upon once again to function. It may not like it, it may "groan" at you, it may "bite" you, it may even pull and strain. Our natural inclination - mayday, mayday, eject, eject, avoid, avoid...stop.

In my experience, athletics has helped me to recognize the difference between the two. While it's important to be aware and to watch for those indicators of damage, most of the pain that I've experienced - exercise induced - has been used in building me up. I've gained physical strength and endurance, but more importantly, I had an opportunity to gain mental strength and endurance that only comes from being pushed beyond what you previously thought you were capable of. Yet beyond the world of exercise, this takes on many meanings. How many of us have exercised our "memory" muscles? Or do we all fall prey to "I just can't memorize scripture." How many of us simply avoid a decision or a circumstance because that's just not something we could ever do? In the meantime, what has God offered that we're missing out on?

Romans 5:3-4
3Not only so, but we[a] also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4perseverance, character; and character, hope.

Lord, in the strain of life, may our hearts cry out to you, may we be reminded to ask for you sight, and may we walk in the peace that passes all understanding. Thank you that we can even walk lighter from the burdens that you graciously ask for us to give over to you. Jesus, I thank you for answering my prayers. I thank you for speaking so personally to me. I long to shine my light for you. Thank you for the encouragement to persist in my pursuit of you. I love you.

What color is your snow?

Last Monday, I found myself gazing out my kitchen window as I washed up a few breakfast dishes, simply mesmerized by the white stuff. At the moment, it looked as if someone had taken a tube of glitter and was sprinkling it through the air. As I watched, a memory came to mind. I recalled a winter activity I remember enjoying in preschool (I have an interesting memory, I know). I suggested it to the kids and they seemed thrilled to bundle up to paint. Yep, paint.

Simple activity, tons of fun. All you need is a squirt bottle (whatever you have laying around, old dish soap containers work well too), water, and some dye. Fill-er up with water and their choice of color, and let em scamper out into the white canvas. Austin, choosing blue of course, wrote words with his bottle. Emma liked making shapes, and Brynn, well she liked just squirting it all in one place. When empty, simply refill, and commence painting. I enjoyed being the designated water filler and picture taker (from my doorway, in my slippers). I highly recommend this fun, and free, activity.

And, speaking of snow, I just wanted to share a fun bit of perspective that I heard from the lips of our three year old the other day as we headed into preschool. She says, "Mom, this snow is clean. But Mom, not this snow, it's bery, bery dirty." I found myself smiling, just stopping short of the dissertation on the cleanliness of all snow, and heard myself say, "It certainly looks that way doesn't it sweetheart."

Looks, from the outside anyway, can be deceiving can't they? What appears, clean, pure, and white as snow, when scooped up, taken inside, and actually melted, shows it true make-up of pretty dirty water. Let me ask you, what is the condition of our hearts today?

Isaiah 1:18
"Come now, let us reason together," says the LORD. "Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool.

Lord, thank you today for the joy of children, the joy of wonder, and the joy of creating with nothing but some colored water. Thank you for the reminder of how you spilled your crimson blood in love for me, so that I may be white as snow. Help me to check my heart throughout the day - to confess when I need to, to ask forgiveness when I need to, to lift my hands and voice in praise more often than not. To you be the glory, now and forevermore.

I just can't get it together...

Have you ever experienced a time when you mauled and mauled over something in your mind, focusing, pondering, thinking, grasping over a way to describe in some sort of semblance of complete sentences that made some sort of sense, at least in the English language? (Did that question itself make sense?) Have you ever tried to wrap your mind around a concept that just seemed to grow more and more unwrap-able the more and more you thought about it? I don't know about you, but I like to "wrap things up". I like to think and think, and then have a concluding thought or thoughts. I like to tie up my thought time in a nice, neat presentable little package with one of those cute bows on top. I like that... doesn't mean it always happens.

I've been thinking over this post for quite some time now. More importantly than a post, though, is this particular topic. This topic has come up over and over in my life. It's both a pro and a con in my life. It's both a soft, cozy blanket, and an unwelcomed guest. It's helped me to gain perspective, and also taken me away from the focus I long to have. It reminds me of how much truth matters. The topic is... doubt.

A book that I pick up from time to time is titled Battlefield of the Mind by Joyce Meyer, and the chapter I happened to open up to the other day was entitled, A Doubtful and Unbelieving Mind. In the verb form, doubt is defined as "...to stand in two ways... implying uncertainty which way to take..." To differentiate between doubt and unbelief, doubt causes a person to waver between two opinions, whereas unbelief leads to disobedience.

Do you remember a time where you were faced with two scenarios, both decisions looked favorable, yet only one could be chosen? Maybe both opportunities looked attractive, both had pros and cons, perhaps you sought advice, yet the more you deliberated, the more confused you became? I seem to become struck with these decisions more than I care to think about at times. I can't say that I have it all figured out, but one instance at a time, I can relate to this statement written on the pages of this book - "Go somewhere, get quiet and still, then turn your head off. Look into your heart, see what is there, and do it!" Basically, tune into your heart, what does it say, acknowledge it, and go forth!

James 1:5-8

5If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. 6But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. 7That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; 8he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does.

Over the past few years, I've come to recognize just how "double-minded" I can be. For years, I thought I was doing the right thing in thoroughly thinking through my options before making a decision. I thought it wise, necessary, and even the responsible thing to do. So much so, that I took it to the extreme, becoming so anguished over a decision that I became paralyzed to make ANY decision. I didn't recognize the lie that I had to be all-knowing, I didn't recognize from whom my thoughts came. I didn't recognize that through all my "thinking" I grew more and more fearful of the consequences of making the wrong decision. I didn't recognize my lack of trust, I didn't recognize my lack of faith, I didn't recognize my true lack of foundation. I needed to be filled with truth, and with that truth, I've found what I didn't realize was actually missing...freedom.

How I am so thankful for His truth. I have something to stand on that is unshakable, unchangeable, unwavering in a world that is constantly changing, shaking and changing. God shows me a man named Abraham that, though imperfect in every sense of the word, did not waver when he considered his impossible situation (Romans 4-18-21). He shows us that we can be aware of our circumstances and yet, purposefully, glorify God when we continue to do what we know is right in adverse circumstances. Just like Peter who stepped out and walked on water (Matthew 14:24-32), the storms of life cease as soon as you quit doubting and crawl back into a place of safety and security.

If you are interested in this topic as well, I highly recommend John Ortberg's book simply titled, Faith and Doubt. I'm currently half-way through it as it's giving me lots to chew on. As with anything, I encourage you to simply remember to ask God for wisdom. A common phrase or question being asked frequently of our children is, "Did you ask?" Many times the "silent" response reiterates the rhetorical question. John 16:24 Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete.

Thanks for spending time in simply reading this today. God has a great life planned for you. Don't let the devil steal it from you through lies! Instead...

refute arguments and theories and reasonings and every proud and lofty thing that sets itself up against the true knowledge of God; and...lead every thought and purpose away captive into the obedience of Christ. 2 Corinthians 10:5

Enjoy your day with Him!

What is your talent?

Well, with the confirmation of today's official snow day, the girls and I curled up in the big chair for a movie last evening as the boys were at practice. There's something about cuddling up with the kids at the end of the day that has me looking forward to our Friday movie nights even at the beginning of each week. What was our movie of choice last night? Tinkerbell. Clever, and at the same time, very thought provoking....

The movie begins with the introduction of this curious, tiny fairy, wide-eyed at an opening ceremony of sorts. Surrounding her in a circular pattern are several different floating items, and she is instructed by the "queen" to choose one. Bell asks, "But how will I know which one?" "You'll know," responds the queen. As the other fairies watch in anticipation, she touches each item and one by one they fade away, she passes by another, until it starts glowing, and as she reaches out to grab it, a bright blinding light captures your attention across your entire TV screen. She now recognizes the talent chosen for her, she is a "tinker", a builder fairy of sorts, and she is introduced to the life of her fellow tinkers.

Well, here comes the plot... without revealing the rest of the movie, let's just say she's not too keen about welcoming the talent that's been chosen for her. In her eyes, it doesn't have the glitz, the glamor, the magic of the talents seen in her other fairy friends. She coaxes them to share and teach her their talent, those of the water fairies, the light fairies, the color fairies, and the animal fairies, and they are happy to oblige. As we can all guess, Tinker fails at her attempts, making a debacle out of each situation, leaving her frustrated, disappointed, and even dejected in the talent chosen for her. Her goal is to travel to the "mainland"and all the wonder and beauty she anticiaptes finding there. One problem - tinker fairies' place is simply to stay in Neverland, preparing all the items needed for the other fairies to carry out their talents.

Are you following with me? Do you see yourself fit into this story at all? Have you experienced those moments/times where you could recognize the amazing gifts and "talents" of all those around you, to the detriment of seeing your own given talent as anything of importance what-so-ever? Have you longed for the talent you have seen in others? Have you seen others talents as more beautiful, desirable, perhaps more magical than your own? In you wondering and wanderings, how did these thoughts leave you feeling?

I can tell you, in all honesty, I spent lots of my time wide-eyed at the wonders of the talents of all those around me. I've marveled at their beautiful singing voices, their soft-spoken, patience with children, their administrative, detailed-mindsets in accomplishing a multi-level task, their ways of communicating to an audience words from their hearts, and their inspirational way of spurring on others to greater things. Each one of these gifts are special. Each one of these talents help to create a beautiful scene of color, harmony, and good-will for man. Have you ever asked yourself, "But where do I fit into the picture?"

Maybe you already know. Maybe someone has spoken to this talent in your life. Maybe you already know your draws, your passions, your tendencies. Maybe you've taken a survey (or 10) and know the results. Maybe the Lord has already confirmed this in you heart. Maybe you've watched others lament and woe about their talent and passionately spoke into their lives of what you see as the amazing talent given to them. Maybe, just as Tinkerbell, you just need to stop. Maybe the same words uttered to others are the same words your very own heart needs to pay attention to. You are special. You have been given a talent. You are loved.

Romans 12:

4Just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, 5so in Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. 6We have different gifts, according to the grace given us. If a man's gift is prophesying, let him use it in proportion to his^[b]faith. 7If it is serving, let him serve; if it is teaching, let him teach; 8if it is encouraging, let him encourage; if it is contributing to the needs of others, let him give generously; if it is leadership, let him govern diligently; if it is showing mercy, let him do it cheerfully.

Perhaps we need to stop listening to the lies today, and to start listening to the truth of our Maker. Perhaps a perspective change is just what we need. Perhaps we can have and hold the freedom that comes in simply "being" who we are. Perhaps we will receive the tremendous reward that come in the privilege of visiting the "mainland". A reward that comes simply by receiving. When Tinkerbell started out, she tried to manipulate to receive, after exhaustion and revelation, she realized how content she was not to receive it. At that time, she was then able to receive it as the gift it was intended to be. Her heart had changed. Any questions?

Lord, will you forgive me for all those times I've gazed at others with amazement, excitement, and even envy. Lord my focus and amazement needs to be shifted to you. Will you help me recognize this and gently guide me back to you. Will you help me recognize, accept, and even thank you for the perfect way in which you designed, crafted and molded me for you tell me "I am fearfully and wonderfully made" (Psalm 139). Will you help me to recognize both your confirmation and affirmation of how I can bless you with the talents you've bestowed to me. I want to serve you by simply honoring and bringing you glory through the talents you've simple chosen to blessed me with. I don't deserve them, but you've chosen to give out of love. May we love you with them, and in turn, have the privilege of loving others through them as well. Thank you for the snow day. I love you.

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow....

Well, last Friday, Aaron and I hunkered down to prepare for what we were told would be a storm, an awakening to a white blanket out side our windows. With dripping sarcasm and a few scoffing words at our weather forecasters, we doubted. Sure enough we woke up, and.... grass could still be seen in the backyard, but the rain/sleet/sloshy-stuff was falling down - yippee! With slight disappointment at our visions of sledding down our backyard slide, we decided to change plans and move on with our day.

As it turned out, over the next two days, we did accumulate some more of the white fluffy stuff. Not as much as our hometown roots in Cleveland, ahem - 9 inches - but beggars can't be choosers. As Austin and Emma headed off to school, I looked at Brynn and asked her a silly question, "Would you like to go play in the snow?" Squeals of delight could be heard a block away (this from our exuberant child!) Now, might I add, this was not the first thought on my agenda as my eyes peeked open this morning. In fact, in the past week, I must have mentioned AT LEAST once a day how very COLD my body temperature has been. The thought of spending time out IN this said cold, did not cross my mind, until I thought of my child. I knew she would love it, I knew it would be good to get some fresh air and activity, I knew this might be the last chance before it melts again, but I had to tell that to my begrudging heart.

I decided to read my devotion "real quick" (a phrase my children now repeat), and what I read simply confirmed this thought that I now knew with conviction came from the Lord. Sure, we could have done a slew of other things this morning (i.e. veg on the couch), and that wouldn't have been a "bad" thing to do, but I've come to recognize that spirit nudge, and simply wanted to obey.

SO, with gleeful skipping, we traipsed downstairs, I climbed into storage, retrieved boots, pants, coat, hat, mittens, scarfs, and added socks, and gleefully skipped back upstairs to commence dressing. First came the pants, then the coast then the socks, then hat, then the scarf, then the mittens, then the boots.... nope too small... let's try boots #2, no go.... boots #3... we have a winner (little too big, but they'll do). Now, I don't need to tell you the words that every mother hears after dressing has commenced..... you guessed it, "Mommy, I have to go pottttttty." Off come the boots, and the mittens, and the hat, and the scarf, and the coat, and the pants (only the socks remained). Sounds like a Froggggy book doesn't it (zip! zat! zup!)

Finally, we were ready and out to the backyard we headed! First we brushed off the swing and had a-go, then we had a lesson in snow/grass angel making, then we tried to crack the ice pond on our sand-box-tarp, then we climbed the playset and whizzed down the slide, then we yanked open the shed to retrieve our one and only, toddler-sized sled. At first we created a circular track around our stray-neighborhood-cat footprints, and then we decided to go a bit off-road and head out to the front yard. After another lesson in snowball making and a few target practices, we decided to take our sled for a ride. She climbed aboard and I pulled her down the sidewalk for a bit. As we're walking, we would hit a dry patch or two, the sled would make a sound and Brynn would belly laugh for a full thirty seconds. She's such a joyful child, loves to laugh, and has a tactile sense of learning about her. As I would glance back, her legs would be dragging enough to accumulate a pile of snow on her pants, or she would drag her arms to get the same result, all the while giggling away. What a precious start to the day.... and we would have missed it.

Lord, thank you for the laughter this morning. Thank you for a chance to glance at your marvelous creation. Thank you for those moments spend with the gifts you've given us in our lives (family, friends). Thank you for your direction, thank you for being patient with me all the times I turn my eyes and ears from you. Thank you for this season of "rest" and "hibernation". I love you.

A surprise gift

Well, as you can "see", Aaron and I hit the streets for another race yesterday on January 1st. It was his idea actually, and in fact, he even coerced his good friend Jeff to join in the cold craziness. As you can tell by Jeff's shirt, they have a "friendly" rivalry between the two of them (AAron being the HUGE NC fan that he is) as they decided to settle it once and for all on the road :)

About midway through the race, I caught a glimpse of their smiling faces and knew that this in fact was indeed a run, not necessarily a race - happy contestants to simply complete the feat and have a fun story to share.

I did want to take a brief moment and thank another man in my life who has been there for many races, be it swimming, track, cross-country, softball, soccer, or even water polo matches. A man who's voice I can pick out 100 yards away, hearing the words as clear as if he's standing next to me. A man who enjoys strategizing, guiding, coaching, participating, and loving his children in such a uinque way. A man who would bundle up and head outside on a cold windy day, just to watch his daughter and son-in-law. Father, I love you.

We've had the privilege and honor of hosting different members of my family throughout the past few days, and with that joy, I find myself reflecting tonight. There are few things in life we actually have control over, leaving many that are not. I was not given the choice of the family that would surround me, yet I was given the sheer blessing of simply carrying the family name chosen for me. Someone is hungry, someone needs a bed, someone needs a laugh, someone needs a listening ear, someone needs a hug - that's what family is for. Sometimes the word family also indicates hurt, pain, and remorse. Yep, comes along withe human territory. Yet, family is what we have been given. May we choose to honor this gift as often as we can this New Year. I gave some extra hugs and kisses tonight, and I plan on giving out tons more.

To my darling husband. Today's "run" together was such a gift to me. Those special "unplanned" times where God turns the dial on that shade of blue in the sky, and the sun seems just a bit brighter than the moment before, where the cold wind in your face does nothing more than make you smile wider, I am so thankful. Aaron, I am proud of your persistance, inspired by your pursuit of being a Godly Father, and thankful to simply bear the name of Conrad. Happy New Year!